24 de junho de 2004

Anedotas de Jazz sobre Saxofonistas (6)

Saxofonistas e, já agora, também clarinetistas.


You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.

What do you call a saxophonist who plays mostly 1/64 notes?
A ballad-specialist.

Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
He hated mankind but couldn´t build an atom-bomb.

The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers. Large hammers.

When should a saxophonist change his reed?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.

Which is the ideal place to practise on a tenor-saxophone? A: In Saddam Husseins bedroom. B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean. C: In a deserted coal mine. D: None of the above. Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone-player never, but never practises. The risk of learning to play is too great.

What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower?
A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it.

What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.

What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.

How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.

What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?

Why don't sax players like playing soprano? There's no place to hide your drugs.

Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
Because he kept ignoring the key signature-- he thought it was a suggestion.

What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun? The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.

Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!"

How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?
All of them.

A good title for a saxophone with strings album: ?Sax and Violins'.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
1. Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. You can tune a lawnmower.
3. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
4. The grip.

What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
The theory doesn't have as many leaks.

What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato.
2. The exhaust.

At the end of a concert a critic approached a bebop alto sax player and said: 'You know your problem is that you sound just like Charlie Parker.' The sax player took his alto sax from around his neck and handed it to the critic. 'Here,take this,' he said. 'Now you try and sound just like Charlie Parker.'

You may be a redneck saxophonist if...
...you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
...you spell it "saxaphone."
...you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.
...the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos.
...you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest jazz musician who ever lived.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

A famous saxophone player renowned for being an excessive drinker was astonishing the audience by taking extended solos on difficult tunes although he was clearly highly intoxicated. At the end of a particularly long solo on 'Cherokee', taken at a break-neck tempo, an incredulous admirer came to the side of the stage.
'Man, how can you play so good when your drunk?', he asked in amazement.
'I practise drunk,' came the reply.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But he has to go through a whole box of light bulbs before he finds a good one.

The Golden Club, Las Vegas The morning after a night on the town in Las Vegas, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he called the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked. "Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end. "And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob. "Yes it is," was the reply from the other end. "And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob. Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band, "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night."

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