17 de junho de 2004

Anedotas de Jazz sobre contrabaixistas (5)

Estas tocam-me a mim, que encontrei no contrabaixo um fiel amigo para a vida.


How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

Bassist: Man, I went up into the mountains for three whole months to practice.
Pianist: Oh yeah? So what did you practice?
Bassist: The first month I practised quarter notes and eighth notes. The second month I only practised sixteenth notes. And I spent the whole of the third month practising thirty second notes.
Piano player: Wow! A whole month only thirty second notes. That's amazing!
Bassist: Yeah, right. Listen, I'll let you hear one. Tonk!

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change it and five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

What is the definition of a bass note played perfectly in tune?
Pure coincidence.

What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and the bassist Chuck Israels?
O.J. Simpson walked.

What's the difference between a double bass and a coffin?
With a double bass the corpse stands upright behind it.

Just before going on stage a band leader is surprised to see the bass player of the group leaning against the dressing room wall crying.
"What's the matter?', he asks.
'The piano player has de-tuned one of my strings.' sobbed the bassist.
'So, what's the problem?'
'He won't tell me which one!'

What is this? (move your hand as if repeatedly looking at your watch.)
A classical bass player using vibrato.

What is the difference between a bass and a cello?
A bass burns longer.

It is said that each contrabass case has a sign inside it which reminds the player to hold the bass up with his left hand and the bow in his right.'

One angry bass player says to another:
'Wipe that smile off your bass or you'll get into treble'.

How can you tell when a bass player is knocking at your door?
It gets slower.

A bass player who is also a professor of mathematics rejoins a big band after a long absence of many years. In the band room the musicians ask him what he had been doing all this time.
'Didn't you guys hear about it? I wrote a book about relativity.'
'No. We didn't hear about that.'
'I also received a nobel prize for my work on abstract mathematics.'
'Really? We didn't hear about that either.'
'But right now my chops are really down. I sat in at a jam session last week and I played really bad.'
'Oh yeah, we heard about that!'

A journalist visits Africa to interview a tribal chief. As soon as he gets off the plane he hears loud drums beating an obsessive rhythm.
'What do those drums mean?' he asks a steward.
'Man, dem drums is good news. When dem drums stop then you got big trouble!'
Confused, the journalist moves into a hotel while the drums continue their incessant beating. In the morning, after a sleepless night, he asks the hotel attendant for an explanation.
'Why are these drums beating all the time?', asks the anguished journalist. 'Don't they ever stop?'
'Man, dem drums is real good news,' replies the attendant. 'When dem drums stop playing den you got big trouble!'.
Finally, exhausted from the constant pounding, the journalist reaches the tribal village and interviews the chief.
'First of all,' says the journalist. 'I have to know what those drums mean'.
'Man', says the chief, 'dem drums is great news! When dem drums stop beating den real big trouble starts'.
'But I must know, what happens when the drums stop?'
'When de drums stop, terrible thing happens. Then you get the bass solo'.

How can you tell when a bass is playing really out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Bass players carrying their bass to a gig must often put up with more than just the weight of the instrument. Struggling out of cars, going up and down stairs, passing through narrow doorways etc. they are a perfect target for inane comments from the general public. Here are some of the most well known examples:
'What have you got in there, your grandmother?'
'Why didn't you take up the piccolo?'
'How the hell can you get that thing under your chin?'
'What kind of vitamin pills did you feed that violin?'

Whenever he would seee a young bass student struggling to carry his double bass to the lesson, a jazz workshop teacher would explain to the student that carrying a bass was a form of karmic debt for having been a drummer in a previous life. In order to console the student he would add that in a future life a truly great bass player would reincarnate as the famous and highly paid jazz harmonica player Toots Thielmans.
However, the fact that there is only one Toots Thielmans just goes to show how few truly great bass players there have been.

A jazz bass player who was short of money took a temporary job as substitute in a classical orchestra performing Bizet's opera 'Carmen'. After a month of playing every night he gets a night off and decides to go and see the show as a member of the audience. After the final curtain he goes back stage to talk with the rest of the bass section.
'What did you think of the show?' asks one of his colleagues.
'Wow, too much man,' replies the jazz bassist, 'Crazy! You know that bit where we play the tonic and dominant, boom boom, boom boom? Well, you won't believe this, but there are all these people up on stage singing 'Toreador....'

What do a bass player and a terrorist have in common?
They both mess up bowings.

A couple that have not been talking to each other for more than a year, go to a marriage councillor for help.
The husband tells the councillor that they have been married for 15 years and lately the realationship has deteriorated to the point that they never speak a word to each other. The councillor asks them to wait a minute while he goes to fetch something. To their surprise he comes back with a double bass and begins to play. In no time at all the husband starts talking to the wife.
'Darling, do you remember that night in Hawai?' The councillor continues playing.
'Yes,' replies the wife dreamily. 'Under a full moon. It was wonderful.'
After five more minutes the couple are reminiscing, happily and cuddling like a pair of love birds.
'This is marvellous!' says the husband. 'It's a miracle! How did you get us to talk to each other?', he asks the councillor.
'During the bass solo, everybody talks!' came the reply.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the piano player can do that with his left hand.


The Lord is my drummer; I shall not rush.
He maketh me to lay out in tasteful places;
He leadeth me beside cool meter changes;
He restoreth my "one."
He leadeth me to the right repeats
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I read through the trickiest road maps,
I will fear no train wrecks;
For Thou art with me;
Thy ride and Thy snare,
They comfort me.

Thou setteth up a solo for me
In the presence of mine guitarists;
Thou annointeth my lines with drive;
My groove overflows.

Surely good feel and swing will follow me
All the tunes of each set;
And I will dwell in the pocket
The whole gig long.

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