27 de maio de 2004

Anedotas de Jazz sobre bateristas (3)

Hoje as "vítimas" das anedotas sobre jazz são os os nossos amigos bateristas.

Claro que não perfilhamos todas as anedotas, mas há que ter sentido de humor.

Pena que não existam anedotas disponíveis sobre críticos de jazz porque «Jazz No País do Improviso!» seria o primeiro a dar a mão à palmatória!


What do you call people who hang out with jazz musicians?

How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the drummers.

I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"... He said, "the river or the state?"

Two drummers walk into a bar, which is actually kind of funny, because you would think that the second guy would have seen the first one do it.

What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.

Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.

There was this drummer who, due to limitations of chops, was constantly slowing things down and, as a result, always bumming out the people he played with...you know...getting dirty looks, etc. No matter how hard he tried to improve his time feel, he would still slow everything down. And so, one night after yet another disappointing gig and with more dirty looks and grumbles from the band, the despondent drummer went out and threw himself behind a train!

What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
Mildly retarded.

What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
A dope ring.

How can you tell when a drummer has used your computer music notation programme?
Because of the white out all over the screen.

How can you tell a second drummer was at the computer after the first drummer? There is writing on the white out.

What's the difference between a drummer and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What is the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

Why does a drummer always stare intensely at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it says 'concentrate'.

How do you stop a drummer drowning?
Why would you want to?

Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Drummer: But there are no measure numbers.

Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have a machine that does that now.

Guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agen."

Did you hear about the drummer who was locked up in jail?
He asked for 8 bars in front!

Two drummers are standing outside a music store looking in the window. One says to the other: 'Don't tell anybody, but I've always wanted to play the accordion'.
'Look', says the other pointing to a notice on the window. 'There's a sale on this month, why don't you go in and buy one'?
'You know what people think about drummers', says the first. 'I'm just too ashamed to go into the shop and ask'.
The second drummer ponders over the problem for a while then he says: 'I've got an idea! You can go disguised as a business man. That way no one will know you are a drummer'.
Next day the drummer walks into the music shop dressed in a pin-stripe suit, a bowler hat and carrying a tightly rolled umbrella.
Assistant: Can I help you sir?
Drummer: Yes, I would like to buy an accordion.
Assistant: Certainly sir. Which one would you like?
Drummer: That one over there. The one against the wall.
Assistant: You are obviously a drummer.
Drummer (shocked): How can you tell?
Assistant: Because you are pointing to the radiator!

What is the difference between a frikandel (cheap Dutch sausage) and a drummer?
A frikandel has brains.

How many drummers does it take to paint a wall red?
It all depends how hard you throw them!

A drummer at Conservatory is taking his ear-training exam, which involves the teacher playing a series of chords on the piano and the student having to identify them.
Teacher (plays a simple three note C major triad on the piano): What is this?
Drummer: Wow, that's pretty hard. But I think if I hear it again I can tell you what it is.
Teacher (plays the chord again): So, what is it?
Drummer: It's very difficult, but I think if you play it just one more time I've got it..
Teacher (plays chord again): Well?
Drummer: I've got it! It's a piano!

How can you tell when the drummer in the band is Jewish?
There's no skin on the bass drum.

A drummer was asked by a journalist if he listened to anything else besides drums. 'Oh yeah', he replied, 'I like listening to Billie Holiday. I think he's great!'

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to do it and nine to tell him they can do it faster.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A hundred. One to do it and ninety nine to tell him that Buddy Rich could have done it better.

Understandably, drummers get a little paranoid about the jokes told about them. Here is a way of making the drummer believe the joke is going to be at the expense of the bass player (you can even conspire with the drummer beforehand thus raising his expectations) but at the last moment you turn the joke on him.

What do you need to make a bass player?
First you take a large piece of cow dung from a field, a very large piece of cow dung. But be careful not to use too much or it turns into a drummer! (this should be embellished and dragged out to produce the desired effect.)

How can you tell when the stage is perfectly level?
The saliva dribbles evenly from both sides of the drummers mouth.

A terrible drummer is murdering the beat and making life unbearable for a famous sax player. During the break the drummer comes slinking up to the table where the sax player and the rest of the band are relaxing over a few drinks in the company of attractive young ladies. Wanting to impress the girls he patronises the horn player:
Drummer (putting his arm on the sax players shoulder): Yeah man, too much baby! Say, when was the last time we played together?
Sax player: Tonight!

Did you hear about the bass player who lost his car keys?
It took three hours to get the drummer out of the car!

A bass player is surprised one day to see a piano being hoisted up to the top floor apartment of the drummer across the street. 'I see you've finally decided to learn a real instrument', he shouts across.
The next day he is even more surprised to see the piano being lowered down again. 'What's the matter have you given up already after just one day?'
'No', replied the drummer 'Don't be stupid, I'm going for my first lesson'.

Why do drummers smile when there is a thunderstorm?
Because they think someone is taking their photograph.

Band leader: We've had a request for 'Come Rain Or Come Shine'.
Drummer: So, which one are we going to play?

A few guys are sitting alone drinking at the bar. One turns to the person sitting next to him and says: 'You know I have an IQ of 180 and I'm very bored because I've got no-one to talk to'.
'What a coincidence', replies the other, 'I also have an IQ of 180. Would you like to talk about something with me? Nuclear physics perhaps, or Einstein's theory of relativity?'
Further down the bar another lonely drinker turns to his neighbour and says 'What a boring dump this is. I've got an IQ of 90 and no-one to talk to'.
'What a coincidence', replies the person sitting next to him 'I've also got an IQ of 90. What do you want to talk about, football, motorbikes, or girls?'
At the far end of the bar are sitting two drunken slobs. One turns to the other and says; 'I hate this bloody place. What a ****hole! Here am I with an IQ of 40 and nobody to talk to'.
'Would you believe it,' says the other drunk slobbering over the bar, 'I've got an IQ of 40 too'.
'What 42?' says the first.
'No, 40 too - 40 also,' replies the other.
'Oh, so what do you want to talk about then?' asks the first.
'Well, first off, what kind of sticks do you use?'

How do you get a drummer to play louder?
Ask him to use dynamics.

A big band leader, fed up with the drummer's lack of inspiration and his failure to observe any of the written dynamics, exclaimed in exasperation: 'Why don't you realise that you are not only the drummer of the band, you are the drama!'

A jazz big band drummer standing for the first time in front of the Niagara falls was heard to exclaim 'At last, fortissimo!'

What is the difference between a drummer and a computerised drum machine?
The drum machine has a memory.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. Actually it only takes one, but he puts nineteen on the guest list.

Why is an electronic drum machine better to play with than a drummer?
Because with a drum machine you only have to punch in the information once.

A jazz quartet on tour in the middle east decides to go exploring and ends up getting lost in the middle of the desert. Without food or water, the four jazz musicians walk aimlessly under the blazing sun searching for some sign of civilisation. After walking for many hours and on the verge of collapse from thirst, they see the ruins of a small fort in the distance. Summoning up their last reserves of energy, they desperately try to reach the protection of the old fortress walls. Staggering through the shattered gate they collapse into the nearest shaded corner and lie there exhausted.
A little later the saxophone player looks around to examine the situation and is surprised to see a strange object gleaming in the rubble. He crawls towards the object to investigate: 'Hey guys,' he croaks 'I've found something - it looks like a lamp! The kind you rub and then a Genie comes out.'
'Hey man, what have we got to loose,' says the piano player. 'Give it a rub and see what happens.'
'Okay. Here goes!' and so saying the sax player rubs the lamp and.....whoosh! A huge Genie appears in a cloud of smoke.
'Cool baby!' says the Genie. 'I'm free and cookin' again! And it's all thanks to you. Man, I've been waitin' for a thousand years for this. So, come on you cool cats, lay the word on me. Hip me to where the action is around here. Oooh baby! Am I gonna boogie tonight!'
'Wait a minute,' says the sax player. 'Don't we get the traditional three wishes?'
'Hey man, there are four of you guys, I can't give you three wishes each. That would be against the regulations man.'
'Okay, let's make a deal. Give us just one wish each.'
'Cool baby, I can fix that, you got it. I am the genie of the lamp, what dost thou desire baby? Thy cool wish is my command.'
The saxophone player thought for a second. 'I wish I was back home, lying on my bed next to two sexy chicks with a crate of ice cold beer in the fridge.'
No sooner had he finished speaking than he disappeared in a puff of red smoke.
'And what is thy wish?' says the Genie to the piano player.
'I wish I was on a Caribbean island lying in the cool shade of a palm tree, drinking iced cocktails, surrounded by beautiful naked women.'
He too disappeared in a flash.
'And what dost thou desire?' says the Genie to the bass player.
'I wish I was back in my favourite jazz club, drinking litres of my favourite beer, surrounded by admiring and willing young ladies.'
In an instant he too was gone.
'And finally what is thy wish?' says the Genie turning to the drummer.
'Wow, that's a really tough question,' says the drummer anxiously. 'I need some time to think. Oh God I can't make up my mind. Gee, I wish the other three were back here to help me.'

What are a drummer's last words?
Hey guys, why don't we play one of my tunes?!

Female flute player (suggestively): Mmmmmm, I love to play the flute.
Drummer: Really? Can you play the piccolo as well?

The captain on a Roman galley makes an announcement to the slaves chained to the oars.
'I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to receive a double ration of rum. The bad news is that today Buddy Rich is on the drums.

A big band drummer is sitting silent during a long ensemble passage where no drums are required. At that moment the club manager walks in sees the situation and goes straight up to the drummer.
'Why aren't you playing?' he asks.
'I've got Tacit.' replies the drummer.
'I don't care what you've got, we want to have a drummer in this club. Go to see a doctor about it and send a substitute.'

A quartet out on the town in Amsterdam winds up in the heart of the Red Light District, where the working girls sit in windows seductively displaying their wares.
The drummer of the band approaches one of the windows and knocks on the glass.
'How much?' he asks.
'50 guilders,' replies the girl.
'Really?' says the drummer looking surprised, 'that's pretty cheap for double glazing.'

How many dynamics can a big band drummer play?
Two: 'on' and 'off'!

A jazz trio is playing at a society gig in the fifties when jazz was considered the 'in' music to have at high class parties, despite the fact that nobody took any notice of the music. Very soon the members of the trio are extremely bored with the gig and, to make matters worse, no one is getting any drinks for the band.
Finally, the piano player leans towards the bass player and tells him to take a bass solo while he goes to get some drinks. Fifteen minutes pass and the piano player has still not returned to the stand. At this point the bass player tells the drummer to take a solo while he goes to find the piano player. The drummer starts up a furious solo. Ten, fifteen, twenty minutes he plays and there is still no sign of either the pianist or the bass player.
Eventually, just as the drummer has reached the limit of his endurance, a very snobbish lady comes up to the stage: 'Excuse me' she says to the sweating drummer, 'could you play the Autumn Leaves please?'
'What the hell do you think I was playing!' replied the drummer.

What's the difference between a drummer and a bass player?
Half a beat.

A theory teacher has been asked to give a class of drummers a lesson in harmony. He walks in, looks around the crowded classroom and declares: 'So many drummers, and so little time!'

How can you tell when a drummer is knocking at your door?
It gets faster.

Turkish drummer has had a lifelong ambition to visit America to study jazz drumming with his idols. In order to earn enough money for the venture he has joined 'Abdul Ahmed's club date band', which specialises in Turkish folk music and is much renowned in the circuit of well paid society gigs. After saving up enough money he leaves the band and moves to New York where he takes private lessons from his favourite drummers, Steve Gadd and Elvin Jones.
After two years of hard study and penniless, he returns to Turkey, where necessity once again forces him to join the famous Abdul Ahmed.
Eager to show off his recently acquired jazz licks, the drummer crams every available space in the arrangements with fills and breaks of astonishing complexity, displaying all of his breath-taking technique.
After enduring an hour of deafening pyrotechnics, Abdul Ahmed approaches the drummer during the intermission and takes him to one side. 'You know, I think what you are doing is very nice. Very, very nice.' he says smiling patiently, 'but for this kind of music all I want from you is a simple offbeat on seven and nineteen'.

Two drummers jump out of a 15 storey window at exactly the same time. Which one of them hits the ground first?
Who cares?

What is the difference between a drummer and junk food?
Junk food has taste.

After having been praised by his teacher for playing an energetic and interesting drum solo, the drummer complained to the teacher: 'The trouble is when I play like that I make a lot of mistakes.'
'Don't worry,' replied the teacher. 'A drum solo is one gigantic mistake.'

A drummer comes rushing excitedly on to the stage exclaiming 'I did it! I did it! And it only took me six months!'
'You did what in just six months?' asks one of the band.
'I finished the jigsaw puzzle man. I completely finished the jigsaw puzzle!'
'So what's the big deal about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?' asks a band member.
'Hey man, on the box it says 'from 3 to 5 years.'

A patient due to have a brain transplant is being shown a price list by the doctor. On the list he reads that a teacher's brain costs one thousand dollars. A professor's brain ten thousand dollars, and a drummer's brain one million dollars.
'Why is the drummer's brain so expensive?' he asks the doctor.
'It's never been used!'

Good - better - best.
Big - bigger - biggest.
Dumb - dumber - drummer.

A quartet are travelling by plane on an overseas tour. Travelling by the cheapest fare they are sitting at the back of the plane where they have been trying in vain to attract the attention of the stewardess.
'Man, I've got to have a drink,' says the saxophone player. 'Isn't there any way of getting her attention?'
'Well, I've brought my parrot with me,' replies the piano player 'this parrot used to belong to an army general and he can order anybody to do anything'.
'Too much,' says the saxophone player cheering up 'can you get it to order me a whisky on the rocks?'
'Sure thing.' says the piano player and so saying he takes the parrot out of its box and places it on his shoulder.
'Napoleon, tell that stewardess to bring a whisky on the rocks'.
The parrott lets out a squawk of delight and proceeds to speak in an authoritarian army voice.
'Hey bitch! Get your fat ass over here and bring a whisky on the rocks. Fast!'
The band is astonished to see the stewardess immediately drop everything and rush to the back with the requested drink on a tray.
'Here is the drink you requested sir. I hope it is to your liking.' After elegantly serving the drink the stewardess smiles sweetly to the band and wiggles her way back down the aisle.
'Hey man, that's great!' says the bass player recovering from the shock, 'could you ask the parrott to order me a gin and tonic?'
'Sure thing', says the piano player. 'Napoleon, tell the stewardess to bring a gin and tonic'.
Once again the parrott screeches with delight and speaks in a commanding voice.
'Hey bitch! Get your big fat ass over here and bring a gin and tonic. On the double!'
Again the stewardess drops everything and comes scurrying up to the back with the drink on a tray.
'Here is the drink you requested sir. The ice is in the ice bucket and help yourself to the salted nuts.'
The drummer, who is sitting accross the aisle by himself, has been watching the whole proceedings and thinks to himself "If a stupid parrott can do it, I can do it too.'
'Hey you dumb bitch!' he shouts at the top of his voice 'get your big, fat, flabby ass over here and bring a glass of vodka on the rocks. That's an order you dumb blonde!'
At that moment, in answer to complaints from passengers about the use of foul language, the pilot and co-pilot are watching through the open communications door to see where the insults are coming from. Spotting the culprit the co-pilot, who happens to be the boy friend of the stewardess, and who also happens to be very powerfully built, comes charging angrilly down the aisle and in one swift movement picks up the drummer, opens the emergency exit, and throws him out of the plane.
After a few moments of stunned silence, the parrott turns to the piano player. 'Man,' he says, 'for someone who can't fly, that guy sure had a big mouth!'

What do you get when you cross a drummer with a Gorilla?
A very stupid Gorilla.

What do you call a drummer with only half a brain?

Musician's slogan:
Don't kick ass, kick drummers!

Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

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