24 de maio de 2004

Anedotas de Jazz sobre cantoras (2)

Desta vez as anedotas são sobre cantores e cantoras.

No próximo post vamos dedicar-nos aos bateristas...



How do you know there's a girl singer as a patient on the intensive care unit?
She's the only one that asks for more echo on the monitor.

A chick singer is always calling tunes in strange keys. One day during a rehearsal the piano player in the band has had enough:
Pianist: Why the heck do you want to sing the tune in D? Why not take it up a semitone and do it in Eb?
Singer: Eb? Isn't that faster?

What is the difference between a chick singer and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
"Didn't wake up dis mornin'....."

How does a singer change a light bulb?
She stands on a chair, takes hold of the bulb, and waits for the whole world to revolve around her.

What are ten thousand chick singers at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.

A genie appears to a big band leader and offers him one wish.
Band leader: 'I must use this wish for the good of humanity. I wish for peace on Earth.'
Genie: 'That's a tough one. Can't you think of something a little easier? Something for yourself perhaps.'
Band leader: 'Well, for myself, I wish that the singer in my big band would sing in tune for once.'
Genie: 'On second thoughts, let's settle for peace on Earth.'

Why is the ideal chick singer only three feet tall?
Because she is the perfect height for the band to rest their beer glasses on top of her head.

What is the chick singer's motto?
Wherever ego, I go.

Band leader: 'Can you sing from sheet music?'
Singer: 'Of course, but not the first time.'

What is the difference between a vocalist and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What do a vocalist and a terrorist have in common?
They both blow bridges.

How can you tell when it's a chick singer knocking at your door?
Because she can't find the key, and she doesn't know how to come in.

Why is a bad singer like a bomb?
Because when you hear it it's too late.

One night you walk into a jazz club where there is a terrible group performing on stage. The pianist is playing all the wrong changes, the bass player is way out of tune and the drummer has no sense of time. However, you are very surprised to hear that the singer is really quite good. You are armed with a gun but you only have two bullets in the magazine.
Which members of the band do you shoot?
You shoot the singer - twice!

Did you hear about the Irish chick singer? She married the arranger.

There are a hundred chick singers buried up to their necks in sand. Why?
There wasn't enough sand!

A jazz musician goes to heaven and is delighted to see that paradise is full of jazz musicians. All the greatest jazz players are to be found there. But to his surprise he notices that everybody is looking extremely miserable. Curious, he approaches one of the musicians and asks him what the problem is.
'Everybody is depressed because the jam session is about to start', he replied.
'Are you serious?' asks the new arrival in astonishment, 'You've got the greatest players in the history of jazz up here and you guys are depressed because the jam session is about to start. you've got to be kidding'.
'Man, it's obvious you're a new cat up here and you haven't heard the bad news yet.'
'Bad news? In heaven? What bad news?' asks the newcomer.
The musician gave a sigh, 'God's girlfriend is a singer!' he groaned.

Why do singers never say anything bad about musicians?
Because they're too busy talking about themselves.

How many singers does it take to sing 'My Funny Valentine'?
Probably all of them.

A piano player is rehearsing the female singer of the band:
Pianist: In this tune you will sing seven bars of the first verse and then go immediately to the second ending. You will then sing four bars of the second verse a semitone higher and only half of the first ending before going to the bridge. After six bars of the bridge you will give me a five bar solo then come back in with the first six bars of the last verse followed by half of the coda. You will repeat the coda five times before finally ending on the root a semitone higher.
Singer: But that's impossible.
Pianist: No it isn't. That's what you do every tune.

How do you know there's a girl singer as a patient on the intensive care unit?
She's the only one that asks for more echo on the monitor.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue.

Musician: How's your singing career coming on?
Singer: Great! Lately I've been concentrating on songs from the Southern states of America. My audience seems to prefer them.
Musician: How do you know they prefer songs from the South?
Singer: They're always putting cotton in their ears!

How many country and western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to do it, and nine to sing about how good the old one was.

What is the difference between a big band leader and a baby?
A baby sucks his fingers.

Singer: So, what do you think of my singing?
Band leader: It could be worse.
Singer: That's not a very nice thing to say.
Band leader: Okay, it couldn't be worse.

A female singer about to do an audition is suffering from an acute attack of nerves. She has just been tipped off by one of the club waiters that if she wants to get the job she must sing 'Misty', the club owner's favourite song. Unfortunately she can't remember all the words and there is no time to look them up. In a panic she decides to confide in the house band.
'Don't worry' says the piano player in a kindly tone of voice, 'If you get into trouble just look at me and I'll help you out'.
Reassured, but still apprehensive, the terrified vocalist gets up on stage and begins to sing: 'Look at me.....'.
No sooner has she sung the first phrase than her mind goes completely blank. With a look of abject terror she turns to the piano player for assistance.
'Bb minor seven' came the whispered prompt.

What do you say when a chick singer reaches the stage?
The chain is too long.

An American band leader met a Romanian jazz singer while on tour in Eastern Europe and took her back to the U.S. where they married. The inevitable consequence was that every performance of the band now included a feature spot for the female vocalist. However, having only a scant knowledge of the English language, she would frequently mispronounce and misunderstand the lyrics. For example, when singing 'Don't Get Around Much Anymore' she would begin with the line: 'Mister Saturday dance...'
This tendency to misinterpret the lyrics, together with a very strong accent, often resulted in the band writhing in contortions of suppressed laughter.
One night they could contain themselves no longer. A regular customer requested his favourite tune 'The Lady is a Tramp'. After the customary eight bar intro. the enthusiastic singer came bursting in with: 'Tickets to Hungary for dinner at eight...'
At which the band fell about in hysterics.

Why do chick singers always leave all the doors open?
So they can come in when they like.

What is the difference between a singer and a grand piano?
About a semitone.

In the middle of a square room there is a large pot of gold. In the four corners of the room equidistant from the pot of gold are a lead trumpet player who can hit stratospheric high notes, a female vocalist who can scat sing, Santa Claus, and the Fairy Queen.
Which one of them gets the pot of gold?
The lead trumpet player. The other three don't exist!

What do you call a female singer with two brain cells?

What do you do when a singer comes begging on her knees?
Shoot her again.

What does a singer do when she opens the fridge in the morning?
She takes a bow.

A band leader tells a chick singer 'Don't believe people when they tell you that you can't sing shit, because you can.'

What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all-pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.

During a break between sets a chick singer is sitting at the bar next to a male customer.
Singer: So, which record company are you from?
Man: Actually I'm not from any record company.
Singer: In that case, get your hands out of my pants!

What advice does a chick singer give her teenage daughter?
If you're not in bed by midnight come straight back home!

A chick singer goes into a studio to do an overdub.
?Where is the drummer??, she asks.
?Don?t worry?, says the sound technician, ?it?s all here on tape?.
?But where is the bass player,? she asks, getting more perplexed.
?Don?t worry, it?s okay, it?s all in the can.?
?But where is the piano player?? she asks, now almost in tears.
?I said, it?s okay they?re all on tape.?
?But if they?re all on tape, which one is going to take me home with him??

How does a chick singer commit suicide?
She jumps from the great height of her ego and crashes to the depths of her I.Q.

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